Things I'm wrestling with...

These are some of the thoughts that I've been wrestling with during midnight feedings...

It bothers me when people insinuate that I "just" became a mom 10 weeks ago. I've been a parent for 5.5 years - yes, it's different now, BUT I've been a "mom" for some time. I have 3 kids - not 1! I wonder if people would think the same thing if I had 2 adoptive children, and then had Miller? Wrestle.

When I say I'm going to do something, its REALLY important for me to do it - its about integrity for me. I told my cousins I was going to get their children $50 savings bonds over a year ago and I haven't done it yet... and it REALLY bothers me. I doubt they have given it any thought at all, but I beat myself up over it on a REGULAR basis. So much so, that I have a goal to get it done THIS week! (I'll keep you posted.) Wrestle.

I want to be a more generous person - like my husband and my grandmother. I want to give to people as SOON as God tells me to give them something. My goal is to be more obedient to His voice. Wrestle.

I'm so Type A that I often get lost in the "put things where they belong" mode. I think this secretly drives my husband and children crazy. In the long run, having the "stuff in its place" probably doesn't really matter? I mean, I want my house to be in some kind of good order, but more importantly(!), I want my kids to remember me as a genuinely loving parent - one that allowed for mistakes to be made and yet, fun to be shared - not a clean house freak. So what if they left their game on the table or their craft stuff out? I really want to make memories they will cherish, not rules that pester the crap out of everyone? I contemplate this A. L. O. T. -- Type A style! Wrestle.

I want Molly, Mack and Miller to be known by others as children that are compassionate for others. I want them to be known as the "kids that can play it forward". I pray that every day for my kids - I ask God to help them make good, Godly choices that they can play forward and see how it affects themselves and others around them. What are ways that John and I can facilitate that?... Wrestle.

There is so much about life that I have contemplated lately - not just because Miller was born, but because I've actually HAD time TO think (thank you midnight feedings!)! God has revealed things in myself that I need to work on in order to be all that He has called me to be!

So, if God's called me to be a stay at home mom/wife, I want to do it well! I want to be known as a mother of 3 kids, not 1... a woman of integrity... who is generous... yet, somewhat neurotic and type-A - but not so much that my kids wish I take meds!... and I want to be a woman of compassion so my kids have a good example to follow. I have alot of work to do - but I'm believing that God's called me to these things for a reason. ;o)

Miller's 1st MLK day.

Today, Miller and I had to go to my dentists office. Its about 40 mins from our house.

While Miller is a realllly good baby, hes not a huge fan of long car rides yet. So about 1/2 way there he started getting a little fussy - so, we talked! The topic: Martin Luther King and why we celebrate a day just for him. He instantly stopped fussing and just listened!

While I talked, and Miller listened, I too reflected on how monumental Mr. King was for our country. What an incredible legacy he left behind. What I love most about his legacy is that he was truly a man of great love. He had a love for ALL people, not just one race.

I believe that God gave that incredible man a dream. He obeyed God. If we all acted out the dreams that God gave to each of us, instead of living out of fear - I believe that this world would be A MUCH better place.

Just something to think about!

A New Year... A New Life!

Wow! It's hard to believe that the last time I posted a blog on here was OCTOBER 2009? How did that happen? Where did the time go?

Let's see if I can do a quick recap...

Mission Trip to Haiti, photography classes, photography business, a trip to Turks and Caicos, a dear friends wedding in Mexico, another wedding in New Jersey... Oh -- and this little thing called a BABY!!!!! ;o)

On November 11, 2010, I gave birth to Miller Jameson Bahr. He was 6lbs 10oz, 21 inches and precious! No, like LITERALLY P.R.E.C.I.O.U.S.! He's the BEST thing that I've ever done with my life.

People told me time and time again when I was pregnant that "its a love like no other." I shrugged. But It's SOOOOO true. There is absolutely NOTHING like a love you've ever experienced before. A love so strong and deep that it has scared me to death. I can't even begin to describe it, but I've heard it said like this before: "it feels like your heart is outside of your body". Its true.

Its a wonder that Miller has any skin left because I've practically kissed it off!! I'm totally, completely, and passionately in love with this new role that God has called me to.... Being a "Mommy".

I'm praying that God will continue to impart wisdom and discernment to John and I as parents. Not only for Baby Miller, but especially to Molly and Mack as we go from a family of 4 to a family of 5! This "blending" is such a delicate dance - and its one that I've prayed about for many, many years.

2011 is upon us, and I'm hopeful that the blessings will be many and that the wisdom and discernment will abound!

Cheers!

Haiti mission trip and John K. Bahr!

So John and I took a mission trip to Haiti last week with a team of 10 others from our church (Crosspointe Church) in Cary, NC.

I'm still processing a lot of what I saw, smelled, and experienced but the MOST profound thing that I can say without a doubt - is that my husband, the one and only, John K. Bahr, is my hero.

We were separated much of the trip, just doing different missions, but I was able to watch him from a distance on several occasions. Every time that I watched him, without him knowing, I thanked God for his heart. My husband has a servants heart. He never once complained and he is always there for whatever the task at hand may have been.

He not only shared a room AND bathroom/shower with 9 other men, he didn't sleep well (which is nothing new), but it was also veryyyy veryyyyy hot in Haiti... I never once heard him utter a complaint.

I love his heart. I love his desire to be a better person. I love that God chose HIM for me!

Balancing act.

Over the last several weeks, our lives seem to have spiraled out of control. From John's "extended stay" at Duke, my Granny passing away, and other "stuff" that I don't feel at liberty to discuss with the WORLD via the WORLD WIDE WEB... John and I have been left feeling tired, worn out, run down, beat up, and just overall... BLAH!

Last week, I began praying about where I was with everything in my life. And God revealed things that needed to be addressed, cleaned up, worked on, and refreshed.

Balance. I needed it back in my life.

So, last week I started with getting back to a regular schedule. When I got home in the evening I worked out, I had quiet time, and I forced myself to take time to just "be"... this meant less cell phone, email, and Facebook time. I had to unplug.

Tonight, after a very busy weekend, I feel like I'm ready to try and tackle next week with the same strategies that I implemented last week.

Focus. Balance. and Quiet time.

Cheers to hopefully another successful attempt at finding it.

JB's "extended stay" at the hospital...

Who knew that a little cut from a pocket knife (4 stitches worth) would cause us to have an "extended vacation" at Duke University Hospital?

While the majority of this experience was a scary time, John and I were able to share a lot during those 4 days.  Basically, time stopped for a little while.  We were FORCED to slow down, "unplug", wait, pray, and just let the Dr's do what they do best.  

There were several funny things that happened... 

Yesterday, JB's manager and friend, Mark, came to visit him in the hospital - which was completely unexpected and appreciative.  He said:  I've got a little something for you from the office.  He reached into his pocket and pulls out a little white, plastic knife that was signed "get well"  "get better soon", etc and signed by all his work mates.  Hilarious!  I WILL be framing that and putting it up in the garage where the "incident" occurred.

Then this morning, I ran down to the cafeteria to get us both some (really baddd) coffee.  I set it up in front of him on the tray and put a straw in the cup w/ a lid and warned him that it was INDEED hot!  When i noticed that he was struggling w/ it, I bent the straw so he could reach it. I turned around and heard a horrible grunt and moan - I looked and JB had taken a sip out of the straw, but b/c it was bent it downward, the hot coffee spilled out onto his chest.  The poor man had 2 hands that weren't "available" to wipe away the hot coffee... Bottom line, he burnt his whole chest.  

I felt sooo terrible - then he looks at me with a serious look and says:  "are you TRYING to kill me? now I've got a CHEST WOUND to boot!  Guess they'll be sending me to the BURN UNIT NEXT!"  We both busted out laughing!  I mean at THAT point, you had to laugh.

I will say that now that we are finally home, showered, and happy about the promise of sleeping in our own bed - I can't help but reflect on how incredibly fragile life really is.  Sheryl Crow nails it when she sings that every day is a winding road!  

a fresh hair cut... an ode to Kim!

Tonight I got my haircut.  While that isn't exciting to anyone OTHER than myself, I am so incredibly happy about it!

I love my girl, Kim Young at Mitchells at Southpoint... Let me tell ya, she's AWESOME!  

I told her tonight that I wasn't leaving until she gave me her cellphone number -- b/c I told her that if she EVERRR leaves Mitchells and doesn't tell me about it -  I WILL kick, scream, and cry!  I even told her that I would FLY to Korea to FIND her and have her cut my hair... ;o)

People, she's THAT good and I love her.

So, tonight before I got in the bed I had to give my girl, Kim a shout out!... even though she doesn't read my blog.  I don't care. 

Basically, she made my day and I'm grateful.